MH vs MS

Back couple months, I have to choose between my MS and MH ... If your close enough with me, you know what I'm talking about ... And you should already know how the story go ... My job here, justifying my choice + the consequences ...

I know, it's too early to talk about the consequences ... I'm in my final semester in Nottingham now, sorry my sentences sounds like an engineering report nowadays ... Hahah ...

So, upon choosing ... It's a clear choice to me ... 2 distinct definition of happiness ... MH and MS, both bring happiness in my life ... The reason I want to wake up every morning, and be a better person as day goes by ...

I found happiness, with MS when I think about the future ... I can get whatever I wanted, if I stay with MS ... He can provide the life I wanted to live, things I wanted to pamper my kids with ...

But there's a price to pay, for having what I wanted ... I won't have the attention, I expected if I stay with MS ... I have to manage my own life, while he's living his life ... Somehow, during my relationship ... I used to stay, because I know ... What's his life is all about ...

While for MH, he's my life because we share a lot of interest ... He gave me the life I've been missing ... He made me a better person in many ways ... Give me hope to have a better life ... Aiming for something more, rather than being ordinary ...

Somehow, he got his own life too ... And he's determined to keep things the way it is ... Everything should remain the same ... And again, I stay ... I will always stay ... Because I think I understand ... What's more important, more than me in his life ...

So, what's my role here ?!!? Before I go further on that, let me clear on what I had for option earlier ... It's two different kind of happiness ... I will be happy with MS, somehow I have to wait ... For how long, I can hardly say because he's unpredictable ...

It's instant happiness for me and MH, and it will grow bigger each day as our relationship is still new ... And it's difficult to predict the future as it still too early ...

No matter what I choose, it still the same ... It's still a relationship, that I have to take care of ... And put all my effort on it, be patient ... Give space, and be thankful with all I got ...

I guess that's how I sustain my relationship, I stay ... Try to understand, and trying not to complaint ... For my age, I have to stop running ... Because I can't afford to keep starting over and have a new relationship every 3 months ...

That's how my relationship with MS can last for a year ... And I'm doing the same thing now, to keep my relationship from falling apart ... And once, someone told me I'm pathetic ... Desperately have a relationship, to prove that I'm not alone ...

I'm not sure if it's true, what I know ... I'm not good being single, because I will be exposed ... To too many boys, too many uncertainties ... For some cases, I can clearly see that I'm being used ...

So, instead of having a bf ... Something real, involves my heart and somebody's heart ... ( In case of making myself look good having a bf ) ... Why can I just pretend like I'm having a bf ?!!? It's more easier that way I think, buy myself a ring ... And ware it 24-7 to show to everybody, I'm belong to someone ...

Why should I have a bf, hurt myself every now and then just to make myself look good having somebody with me ?!!? While I can just pretend that I'm in a relationship, and nobody will get hurts ...

I'm not fighting for anything, I don't want to get even ... One day, you will understand ... What this is all about, or maybe you'll never get it ... At least I know, what I'm doing ...