MH vs MS

Back couple months, I have to choose between my MS and MH ... If your close enough with me, you know what I'm talking about ... And you should already know how the story go ... My job here, justifying my choice + the consequences ...

I know, it's too early to talk about the consequences ... I'm in my final semester in Nottingham now, sorry my sentences sounds like an engineering report nowadays ... Hahah ...

So, upon choosing ... It's a clear choice to me ... 2 distinct definition of happiness ... MH and MS, both bring happiness in my life ... The reason I want to wake up every morning, and be a better person as day goes by ...

I found happiness, with MS when I think about the future ... I can get whatever I wanted, if I stay with MS ... He can provide the life I wanted to live, things I wanted to pamper my kids with ...

But there's a price to pay, for having what I wanted ... I won't have the attention, I expected if I stay with MS ... I have to manage my own life, while he's living his life ... Somehow, during my relationship ... I used to stay, because I know ... What's his life is all about ...

While for MH, he's my life because we share a lot of interest ... He gave me the life I've been missing ... He made me a better person in many ways ... Give me hope to have a better life ... Aiming for something more, rather than being ordinary ...

Somehow, he got his own life too ... And he's determined to keep things the way it is ... Everything should remain the same ... And again, I stay ... I will always stay ... Because I think I understand ... What's more important, more than me in his life ...

So, what's my role here ?!!? Before I go further on that, let me clear on what I had for option earlier ... It's two different kind of happiness ... I will be happy with MS, somehow I have to wait ... For how long, I can hardly say because he's unpredictable ...

It's instant happiness for me and MH, and it will grow bigger each day as our relationship is still new ... And it's difficult to predict the future as it still too early ...

No matter what I choose, it still the same ... It's still a relationship, that I have to take care of ... And put all my effort on it, be patient ... Give space, and be thankful with all I got ...

I guess that's how I sustain my relationship, I stay ... Try to understand, and trying not to complaint ... For my age, I have to stop running ... Because I can't afford to keep starting over and have a new relationship every 3 months ...

That's how my relationship with MS can last for a year ... And I'm doing the same thing now, to keep my relationship from falling apart ... And once, someone told me I'm pathetic ... Desperately have a relationship, to prove that I'm not alone ...

I'm not sure if it's true, what I know ... I'm not good being single, because I will be exposed ... To too many boys, too many uncertainties ... For some cases, I can clearly see that I'm being used ...

So, instead of having a bf ... Something real, involves my heart and somebody's heart ... ( In case of making myself look good having a bf ) ... Why can I just pretend like I'm having a bf ?!!? It's more easier that way I think, buy myself a ring ... And ware it 24-7 to show to everybody, I'm belong to someone ...

Why should I have a bf, hurt myself every now and then just to make myself look good having somebody with me ?!!? While I can just pretend that I'm in a relationship, and nobody will get hurts ...

I'm not fighting for anything, I don't want to get even ... One day, you will understand ... What this is all about, or maybe you'll never get it ... At least I know, what I'm doing ...

Well, this is me ...

I read back on a few post I published earlier ... I promised to talk less about me, hahah ... It's sounds funny now ... Because I can't !!! I can't stop talking about myself ... Hak hak ...

There's a lot of thing ... That I wanted to share, with people around me ... Things that will be better expressed through blog ... Instead of oral delivering ...

I don't have a lot of friend ... I admit ... That's how I managed to have a lot of free time, to tell the world what's going on in my life at the moment ... But I do think it's the best the way it is ...

I don't mind that I don't have a lot of friends ... I'm thankful with what I got ... Because I still have friends ... At least a few ... Because I can't manage to have a lot of friends, when I can't be a good friend to them ...

Some may say, Reysha get a life ... But this is my life ... With a few good friends that I kept around me ... Maybe I'm playing save, afraid to get hurt ... As long as I'm happy with it, so please be happy for me ... Because I'm happy for you, no matter how you choose to live your life ...

It's been a while ...

It's all ready been a while since I posted my last post ... I've been busy ... Filling up my life with things that make me happy ... Bowling, new friends and stuff ... And I'm busy with the exam !!! Hak hak ... That's a good reason ...

No matter how busy I've been ... It's not suppose to be a reason ... I didn't write anything for last few weeks ... Because I'm not sure what I feel ... And I can't express my feelings ... It just that, I've been confused ... Choosing things, steps to be taken ... It might look simple, but it's a beginning of the future I choose ...

We always hope for something better in life, at least better than yesterday ... I do hope, this new thing I'm experiencing is better than what I had before ... Somehow, it's future ... We don't know ... And it's too early to predict ...

But I do think I've done the right thing, at least for myself ... Choose to be treated better ... Choose somebody who can appreciate me better ... And most of all, try to love myself better and put myself first before benefit somebody else ...

Forgiving to Forget ...

I went out with a friend yesterday, a good friend ... I consider him a good friend, because we're been knowing each other for years ... Even it hurt when we got into fight with each other ... But over all, he's still a good friend to me ...

So, yesterday ... When I woke up, I found a space in my heart to forgive him ... On things that he did that been hurting me ... Regardless what it is, so I decided to forgive him ... And I texted him, and then he came for a visit ... Then we went out to KLCC ...

On the way there, for the first time ever since I known him ... He admitted to me that he's in a relationship ... Because earlier in my room, he saw my picture with my bf on my laptop as I apply it as a wallpaper ...

So, it's not about the confession ... Or who's ego getting bigger here ... It just that, it was easy ... Much more easier for both of us, when I really forgive him for all those hurts with all my heart ...

I know that he took me to KLCC, trying to find camera ... Because he's going to Cameron Highland with his gf today ... Somehow, I didn't feel used ... Like I did before, and I'm not mad at him ... At all ...

Maybe it's because of my life is on the top of the world now that I'm extremely happy with my bf (I did tell my bf that I'm going to KLCC with my friend anyway) ... But I do think, the forgiveness make it a lot easier for me ... And our relation getting better now, I mean ... Better than what we had before ...

I really hope I can do this, on all those pain that have been so hurting to me ... Somehow, it's not easy ... To find a morning, when you wake up and decided to forgive a person who hurt you ... Especially when the hurt caused you a lot of damages ...

Somehow, I do think I should do this more often ... Forgive people, so I can forget all those hurt easily ... And make my life easier, make the world a better place ...

I'm Going to Talk Less About Me Soon ...

I've been quite emotional since the beginning, it just like ... I'm trying to spell out everything in my head ... Upon opening of my new blog ... But now I realize, I got other commitment ... My friends, my family ... Those are people around me, who know me ... Who see me personally ...

The purpose, of publishing your entire life on the net was to inspire people ... To share what you've been through, so that others can learn from it ... Somehow, as I said ... I became too emotional ... I used the net to offence people ... I write something, I purposely address it to a particular person ... While it's actually easy to just use direct communication ....

My best friend, is going through a messy break up ... Break up is hurting, at this age ... Compare to a few years before, when you're still eighteen ... I know, some of you may said 22 is still young ages ... But for girls, it's hard to start over ... And built it up again ... Especially when the relation is all ready been for years ...

I stopped hunting boys, when I reached 20'es ... It's not like I didn't fight for what I wanted ... It just that, instead of searching ... I just wait for boys to come around ... And they did, but you can't be choosy ... Maybe you won't get the best ... But you can make it, push it to your expectation ...

In other hand, you're really depending on luck ... Upon this approach ... But somehow, you have to look back on yourself ... What have you done, are you good enough ?!!? To deserve the best that you expect ?!!? You have to be thankful, of what you've got ... Then you will see, how beautiful life is ...

I really feel sorry, for my best friend ... Even though Linda (our best friend too) said, she better off the ex ... Somehow, she's deeply hurt ... Even after the break up, she's the one who left with all the blame ...

I remember when they're still together, that holiday season ... I really feel like I'm losing her ... Anyway, I only get the chance to see my best friends during holiday season ... Around May to July, because I was studying in Peninsular ...

So, that season ... I really thought I lost her, because I only got to see her once ... That was in her house, while my mum visiting her mum ... As a best friend, I try to understand ... That's she's trying her best, in her relationship ... Putting friends a side, so you have more time to spend with your boyfriend ...

In this case, the ex boyfriend hate the best friends ... With so many reasons, bad influence etc. ... So I guess, she's just trying to listen to the boyfriend ... By not doing things that the bf hates ... Somehow, things didn't go well the way she expected ...

But that's what friends was meant to be, you take a step back ... When you think it's best for your friend, as you can see their having ultimate happiness with their loved one ... It's not like you're losing your him or her ... It just that, you give them space ... For things that can make them happy ...

Somehow, if things didn't turn out so well ... Friends should be around, try to understand how much the pain ... Maybe it feels unfair, because you felt left out when they were happy ... And when they were down on things that they choose over you ... You have to be around and supportive ...

But I guess that's life ... This kind of event will make people realize the person who you really are ... And at least made them feel, there are people who still care ...

I'm going to talk less about myself soon, because I think other people needs me ... My attention ... But at second thought, it might not be possible ... Because I need to share, what I've been through ... So that I can share my opinion on the point of discussion ...

So, what I should do is ... I shouldn't get emotional and specify my post on certain person ... Because I still have a lot of important person around me ... My friends, my crazy sister ... My family, my best friends ... And other who I might not know that they really need me, just that I never know how much they need me ...

This is not a sad story, it just I just realize that there's a lot of other thing that I can do ... Rather than being emotional on certain unimportant issue that shouldn't be so hard in life ... So, chill arrr ...

What a Week, I'm Glad It's Over ...

It'd been a hard weekend for me ... Since Monday I think, this have been a long week for me ... I lost a few friends, that made me lost the person I can talk to ... And there's a few class I've skipped, even I've all ready put all my effort to be in class ...

It's frustrating for me, when I didn't manage to catch up the school bus ... So that I can attend my class on time ... It's frustrating because I'm just late by two to four minutes ... But it'll cost me an hour lecture ...

So, as friends goes by ... It's not like I don't care if they wanted to leave ... But if it's hurting for both me and him ... Why should hurt ourselves ?!!? Pretending to like each other, while it actually grows the hates bigger day by day ...

So, I was in Malacca the whole weekend ... Staying at my ex's place, who's now is my friends too ... As it done for us for almost a year now ... I was there because I have to collect my baby brother's exam result ...

So, staying at his place was hard for me ... Deep inside, I still love him ... Watching him everyday, is just like letting the love to grow back ... Just that, it's only from me ... Not from the other side, he showed that he didn't love me ... At all ...

Somehow, I found these MCs ... In his drawer, one dated on my birthday ... And the other one was on his birthday ... Maybe I'm being too emotional, as it maybe just a coincidence ... Hell yah, birthday eve's is the night for parties ... And you need MC on the next day to avoid any further problems ...

Anyway, what on earth make it a coincidence ... When he only kept the MCs for that both two important date ?!!? And, where the hell is other MCs ?!!? For a party junkie like him, he won't waste any MC that is still available ...

Somehow, he kept everything to himself ... He didn't mention anything about us, all that he did all the weekend was ... Ignoring me ... But I think I understand why ...

He's trying to be a good friend to me ... I'm in a relationship right now ... A really good one, and he don't wanted to ruin it ... So, he kept everything to himself ...

He's in pain too, I can see he's not being well ... Emotionally ... There's this girl, I can see that he loved her so much ... Somehow, she left ... Just like he left me one year earlier ...

He's in pain now, just that he didn't tell the world how much it hurts ... But I can see it, the most I can do ... Pretend like I don't know a thing, and give him his own space ...

Lets not care about him so much, it just that ... It made me think, about friends around me ... Friends who seems to care really much, but still do so much things to hurt me ... Still trying his best to ruin my relationship ...

I made a promise to Muiz, that I'll go to Pavilion ... With him, for the first time ... My friend was aware of that ... Somehow, he still creating reasons to drives us there ...

Whatever it is, I'm glad the weekend is over ... And everything happened I consider passed ... Muiz, is my present and future now ... I'm not going to take any step, to ruin my relationship ...

In this situation, I'm not even going to put my ex as a choice ... Because I won't choose ... And Muiz is the only person that I should care about, without considering others ...

I know it sound selfish, for me to put away my friends ... For my love life ... But I do think friends should understand, how important my relationship is ...

This is for My Pep's Who Just Lost Somebody ...

Two closest person of mine, just gone thru' a break up lately ... But as I met them, I didn't feel the pain ... I'm impressed, by their strength ... Facing all the pain ...

I almost gone crazy when I got into my last break up ... I can simply cry, for no reason ... On the public bus, while watching movie ... Anywhere, I just cry ...

It took me almost a year, to realize that I'm actually fine ... And within that period, that's a lot of damages ... That is hard for me to fix it now ...

Somehow, these strong ladies ... Really amazed me ... I always feels like I've been thru' a great fall, somehow ... This girls' story is even complicated compared to mine ... The challenge their going thru', are much greater than what I've been thru' ...

I know how it hurt, it's about heart ... You can tell yourself, to stop thinking ... But as your heart beat, it didn't simply let it go ...

Whenever I'm down, I'll remind myself ... That you had me, myself ... I'm the one, who love myself the most ... Above everybody else ...

In case you guys forgot this, I just wanted to say that ... I'm always here for you ... I lurve you guys ...

My Sweet Silly Lurve Story ...

The first time we met, he took me for lunch at Ujong Pasir ... One of the food sensation in Malacca, for Beriani Kambing ... Before we arrived, we had this chat about my rejected bf to be- a banquet captain of one of Malacca's top hotels ... As we're walking from the parking space, he reached out his hand towards me ... And said, "Meh, I bagi you tumpang bermanje" ...

I just realize that I have to include the F&B captain's story in this chapter, to make it easy for you guys to understand ... Owh, I hate to do that !!!

Two Weeks Earlier- I just had my killing break up with my 8th ex ... I consider it's killing because I was left in Malacca, the place that I shouldn't be as you know I was studying in Kajang ... So I was left there, with an unfurnished room ... No transportation to go out to have meal or buy my food stock, except for the public transport that require 5-10 minutes walk to reach the pick-up point ... And nothing but trouble to people around me ...

A Week After the Two Weeks Earlier- I was working like mad ... Because this is the only way ... That can avoid me from staying home, and cry ... I work all thru the weekend ... I even work on eve's of new year ... Because it's the only chance of happiness for me at the moment ... As working is the place where I met the F&B captain I mention earlier ... Hmm ...

So on that pathetic new year's eve ... A former friend of mine should be picking me up, after work around midnight ... But she didn't, because she's busy ... Partying with my ex boyfriend ... I guess it explains all, why I addressed her as 'former friend' ...

So, that's how it goes ... I end up mourning over my break up, dragged to the next week ... I should been studying at that moment, as my final exam was just around the corner ... But I didn't ... Because I was too busy, crying ...

Before the week ended, I decided to move temporarily to the F&B captain's house ... As I can do nothing but crying alone in my room ... So I packed my things, approximately for a weeks stay ... I brought pillows too, just to make me feel like home ... And departed to the house, that actually is also the F&B boss's house ... And occupied by other mixed of full-time and part-time F&B's staffs ...

We've been seing each other for quite sometime actually, about a month I think ... Since I started working at the hotel ... We go out for bowling, dinner on his off day ... And supper, before my boyfriend came to pick me up ... Heheh, now I realize I was cheating on my ex !!! Hak hak ... But the sweet part of this guy is, he called me 'B' ... It wasn't that big huh ?!!? Hak hak ...

So upon my arrival, we had pillow talk before bed ... Then he gave me another killing moment when he said, "Encik %! rase la ... B gaduh dengan budak-budak pempuan kat hotel tu, sebab dulu gefren Encik *# penah datang office (the hotel's banquet office) ... Duh, what the he~! was I'm doing back then ...

We (me and my sister) had a fight actually on that new year's eve at the hotel, it's silly to mention ... Because it's school leavers issue ... Gosh, I'm old all ready !!!

That was the first time he ever mentioned about his girlfriend, after all the while we spent time together ... And thank him, for completing my two consequent weeks of misery as a whole ...

So on the next day, it's Thursday ... I'm sure because I remember the date so well ... I got this call, from Encik Kobak ... I all ready set his name that time, because he had been calling a few times before that ... So, he's asking me out ... For lunch ... Then you go back to the first paragraph, hak hak ...

I had exam actually, on the next day ... But I still can't study ... I was pathetic huh, I do think things wasn't so bad after all ... It just me that take things too emotionally ... Being too emotional upon the break up that leads me to rushing into a new relationship, being too emotional when I know I was cheated by my new possible boyfriend and went out for lunch with another guy that pick me up in front of his house ...

But anyhow, it leads me to my new relationship ... We went to a friend's place after the lunch, that after a few months had been my house eventually ... And we're suppose to have a kids by then ... Hak hak ...

He send me back home afterwards, to the F&B captain's house ... Somehow, before midnight ... He came pick me up again ... That was the last time, I ever been there ...

We went for supper before we go back to that house again (the friend's place that was my house eventually) ... Then he reach out his hand towards me again, so that we're holding hands ... While walking for a few meters before we reach the table (sape yang nak manje dengan sape nie, hak hak) ...

The next day, I got exam in the morning ... So he send me to the bus station, at 4am in the morning ... And there goes a new chapter of my life ... I failed that paper I did on that day actually, that leads me to a new chapter also !!! Hak hak ...

So, for all this trouble of remembering every single moment passed ... It reminds me, how amazing my bf is ... You can see how terrible my life was during the two weeks ... Somehow, he still there ... Lending his hands to me, when I really need somebody to be the shoulder to cry on ...

Regardless the number of boys (it's weird to call them boys, they were old enough to be a men) I've been with ... He still came and pick me up on that night, to make sure I didn't do any other stupid thing ...

Even he know all my story, he still do his part ... In making things right for me, and for us ... Being responsible, for things that might not be his ... Just because I say so, and he trusted me ...

At some point, I felt really mad when he didn't get back home ... Or when he get back home and get mad at me over a lipstick stain that wasn't mine ... And when I found his text to my former friend ... Saying that I'm the only one who's feeling it's happening ...

But I'll wait until I can be calm, and think on my steady mind ... For all these time, the reason that I'm staying ... Is because he's the one, who came and look for me ... Now it's even more clearer, to me to understand him better ...

For what I am, he never complaint ... He just say, stop drinking ... And he stopped buying me cigarettes to control my smoking ... Of course, he said ... "Kite kawan jek ramai-ramai, nanti kalau nak kawen ... Pilih yang mane sesuai" ... But why should he get mad if I went out for dinner with some other guy, when we're just friend ... Why did he bring me to see his parents for lunch, when I was just a friend ...

I never share this with other, people that know me ... And my boyfriend ... I only share this with my close friend ... So what if his friends think I'm just a girl he kept outside the house, so what if my former friend think I got nothing but my feelings ... I know where I stand ... And yet, we've been together for almost 10months all ready ... Huh, my longest relationship in 4years !!!

There's more actually, sweet things ... Done arrogantly between us ... Somehow, I found that charming ... Hak hak ... Yah, he can take that sweet term, I'm fine with silly ... Hak hak ... This is just the part when we met ... I need to analyzed all the other parts, to find the beauty of my relationship ...

After all, my life wasn't so bad all thru this years ... With my close friends, families and boyfriend that always stay by my side ... It just me, that didn't wanted to move on ... Keep on remembering the hurt, that suppose not to be that hurting ...

P/s:Encik Kobak = Encik Muiz = my devoted love to death, hak hak ...