Dah lame tak buat post muhasabah diri sendiri, been fooling around with my feelings for the past 2months ... Mostly adalah post gedix ala2 mintak penampar ... Dgn kate lain, entry double meaning nak tembak individu2 tertentu ... Sigh, sungguh mean girl diri ini ...
Being me, I always know sebenar nyer ... That I left my heart caught up somewhere, it's just a matter of time ... That I decided to wake up, & move on with my life ... Mcm perangai guling2 atas katil di waktu pagi, kul 6 dah bangun dah ... Tapi nak guling dulu, berangan jap ... Baru nak mandi, heh ... Itu contoh termudah ... ;p
So last 2months, I left my heart under the single bed dlm bilik tu ... Di celah2 bed frame yg ranap, sebab ntah sape pegi install bende alah tu secare songsang ... Secare logic nyer, camne katil tu nak handle the load ... Biler the 3pieces strut tu yg digunakan sebagai main beam, while the other 7pieces tu hanging freely ... Bijak !!!
Citer die, pagi tadi saye kemas la bilik kucing branak tu ... Actually, kucing tu tak branak kat situ ... Die pindah masuk jap selepas dihalau keluar oleh pemilik bilik seblah tanpa tempat berteduh kat living area tingkat atas, sebelum mak bagi dorang hak milik kekal toilet kat bawah itu ... Heh, pandai aku divert cerita ...
So, I found back my heart this morning ... Itu care penceritaan dramatic seperti selalu la, sebab saye suke impact dramatic itu ... Heh ... Secare ringkas nyer - a simple new routine (kemas bilik pagi2), had given me the wake up call that I needed since the last 2months ... Yeah, that's me ... Aku memang malas berpikir, or dengan kate lain ... I prefer ignoring my feelings, rather than discussing it ... Even with myself, wadde F kan ??
I take things for granted these 2months ... I keep blaming AQ, I complaint he's not organized enough ... I blame him for staying around without intention to commit ... I blame him for everything ... Like always, I play victim ... But it's actually me, I'm the one who's not ready ...
I'm not ready to let KA go when it happened, & until this moment ... I didn't find a place in my heart to forgive KA ... Reason ?? Clear as a glass - I don't even seek for that forgiveness ... Remember how I managed to be strong without any man during my break up last July ?? I was single for 4months, then I found KA & feel blessed to have a man to share my ups & downs ...
Why ?? Sebab hati ni ikhlas, tak kesah la hati KA ikhlas ke tak kan ... Janji I did the right thing ... I forgive that person who broke my heart into pieces, from the very most bottom part of it ... That's how I managed to be happy, that's when I can be comfortable being single ... & that's how I felt so hard when someone offer me his heart ...
For the other party tu mintak maap, adalah tak perlu ... Sebab hati yang nak memaafkan & melupakan kan tu, ada dlm diri sendiri ... So, I'll go back to be who I was last Ramadhan ... I love who I am back then, more than who I am now ... :( Tenang, & definitely living a better life ...
So that's step one - forgiveness ... 2months ago, I jumped into the 2nd step ... Which letting AQ in ... While I should find that forgiveness in the 1st place, then I can start fresh ... Open arms & open heart, then baru I can give AQ the oppurtunity he deserve ... That's why I was so angry for the past 2months ... Everything is not good enough for me, nothing suits my needs ...
So this is it, 2months later ... Will it be too late for me to fix thing ?? I think so ... Sebab if it was for me, confirm aku dah carik bf lain ... Honestly ?? 2days with less attention already made me motivate myself to stay stronger, & I can find a better man ...
At the moment, I've already appeal rayuan to AQ ... Bukan rayuan la, more like a short term plan for us for the mean time ... Things didn't look good at the moment, but at least I tried ... Whatever will happened after this, akan saye conclude kan dlm Things About Me Part Six ... Yang ntah biler akan terhasil itu ...
For now, I should try to be that person who live a happy life since she hold no grudge upon nobody & her life is so much better sebab she have less important things to care ... Bukan nyer be mad sebab kene baling almari, or wish mamat yang ask her to marry him before he go to bed & pegi tengok Ombak Rindu kat Mesra Mall dgn perempuan lain in the morning tu mendapat pembalasan setimpal ...
I used to say, "I don't do revenge, that's in God's hand" ... Yes, for me to go serang pempuan lagi satu tu ... Adalah mustahil, far below my standard ... But, dlm hati ?? If he got dumped & perempuan tu kawen dgn jantan lain, comfirm aku lompat suker ??
So let it be, & I'll keep praying that one fine day ... I'll find a space in my heart to forgive all those who needed the forgiveness ... With, or without them to apologize ... It's not for them pun, it's for my own ketenangan & happiness ...
Ps: mase entry ni ditulis, aku tgh pujuk AQ ...
Updet: I've moved on with AK, I'm dating & happy ...
No comments:
Post a Comment