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Sunday, May 31, 2009

I Can't Forgive You ... Yet ...

I still couldn't find the reason to forgive my ex-bf ... We just broke up, and I know I have to forgive him ... And let all these go ... But I can't forgive him yet ... Maybe, because he don't even ask for my forgiveness ... Because he never think he did something wrong ...

I just have to let this out, can't keep it to myself ... I'm don't wish for his failure, 'Good luck in everything' ... That's the last words I said to him ... And I do wish him well ...

Somehow, as a human ... I still have to feel the hurts ... Maybe it's just my emotion talking, but I do think one day he'll know how much it hurt ... When you really want somebody, and your somebody is not even trying to want you ...

I'm doing this for myself ... As I stated in my previous post ... I have to be with someone who can appreciate me ... I won't do anything as a revenge, because it normally hurt both ways ...

I just want to let all this fade away, I just want to be happy ...

Thursday, May 7, 2009

No More Confussion ...

I've calling a few friends lately ... Trying to get their opinion, about my future ?!!? Hahah, now it sound ridiculous ... Because it's my future, why do I let somebody else decide for me ...

Anyway, in this mission of finding the answer to the question, it's not about finding the right answer ... It's about finding the right answer, that you want ... Or you like ...

It's like, no matter how hard the government try to make you see ... The ugly effects of smoking ... But you still smoke, because that is what you wanted ... Because you mind didn't really get it, or you heart just don't really like the idea of stop smoking ...

So, no matter what my friends said ... No matter how good the advice they gave, but it's me ... My mind, and my heart who will decide ... It might be clearly not an easy path, but you willing to go with it ...

My relationship is like a roller-coaster at the moment ... We broke up almost every month ... I'm half way of my 23 already, my heart just can't deal with this unsafe feeling in a relationship ... This is the thing creating the complex hesitation in this whole situation ...

Somehow, I always stay ... And he always comeback ... And I kept waiting for him to come back ... And all my friends kept telling me I should be stronger, just move on ... Every time we broke up ...

It's my heart who tell me to stay ... And it's my mind who can't accept the idea of losing him ... That the thing that always make me stay ...

Now we came to another chapter of hesitation ... I have these choices, I can go back to my home town ... Build my future, and there is something waiting for me there ...

For those who don't really know me, it's hard to find me being single ... So, when I said there is something waiting for me there ... You should understand that it came in a complete package ... Future 'Career and Happiness' ...

And there's this guy from UiTM, I met back then during my diploma ... And he showed up recently, promote himself to me ... Hahah ...

So, the thing is ... I can go out, dating this UiTM guy ... Or build my new future ... Somehow, I hesitate ... If I really want to leave, there will be no hesitation ... I'll just leave ...

When my bf was about set for a date by his family, I asked him ... 'Do you wanted to go ?!!?' ... He didn't answer that ... But now I understand ...

Does it really matter, whether he wanted to go ?!!? Because the hesitation explain all ... If you wanted to go, try your luck with somebody else ... Why hesitate in leaving what you have now ?!!?

I know what I wanted, this is what I've been fighting for since last few months ... So I will keep fighting for it ...

I did, tell him that I'm done fighting for him ... I guess I am, just that I'm done making him to want me ... It's a different thing that I'm doing now ... I'm fighting to stick to what I wanted from the beginning ... Because this is what my heart tells me ...

No more mistake, cause in your eyes I like to stay ...

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