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Wednesday, August 19, 2009

My Mum's Latest Charity Case ...

I went crazy last few weeks, being mad to my family ... For things that they do, and made me felt neglected ... But I'm tired of running, and breaking down ... So I'm taking the simplest solution ... Ignoring the issue ...

This thing happen over and over again in my family ... My mum prioritize other's kids more than hers, and my sister kept wasting money, time and feelings on stupid guys ...

I'm trying not to be emotional ... Somehow, the feeling of being unappreciated kept spinning around ... I always have issues with my sister's bf, ONCE the started acting stupid ...

Previously, I stopped talking to her ex ... When he kept resenting about my sister going to GMI, a school with lots of boys and a few girls ... And my sister, as usual ... Stupidly cry for silly fight ...

Why should I have to get emo@involved in my sister's fight ?? She's on the phone crying next to me every night when I have to wake up early tomorrow morning to attend my classes !!!

Her current bf, not talking to me at the moment ... But living on my property, well I can say most of it ... Since I bought almost everything in the house at the moment ... Of course it's daddie's money, but it's my allowance !!!

I'm not asking for them to spent me meal everyday, or buy me branded handbag now and then ... But have some respect to yourself, stop living on my allowance when you're not respecting me ...

A few friends who knew this issue, can simply say ... 'Die xtau malu ke ??' ... So, am I still being emotional on this ??

My mum, as well ah ... She's the greatest mum for me ... I know that, that's God's arrangement ... As things happen for a reason, I know there's plenty of good things that God sent me such a wonderful mum ...

She's too great that she NEVER stop doing charity work ... Helping THOSE WHO DON'T REALLY NEED HELP, prepare MORE THAN ENOUGH meals for us + OTHERS ...

I'm done making my points, because I've done this before ... And I'm sure it doesn't change anything ... So, I'm done fighting ... FOR THINGS THAT ARE NOT WORTH IT ...

It's not like I'm giving up on my family, I'm just giving space for them ... To do things that they like, and as a reply ... I expect them to understand my action, when I make my move later ... And respect my privacy ...

Family will always be family, but the meaning can be subjected to change ... I always love them, but I can love them more when they're done with their charity work ...

Thank you ...

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Good People Don't Do Bad Things ...

I'm being emotional in my previous post ... I should write something general, based on experience of course ... But I'm still trying to control my emotions and action ... Avoid wasting my idea and time on something which is specifically meant for someone I'm mad at or hate ...

Once a very close friend told me that I have a noble heart, and I should share my thoughts with others ... That's when I started built my own blog ... But I'm being a monster all through the way ... Address my anger publicly, and humiliate others ... Well, I might not mention names ... But my close friends probably know who was it that I'm talking about ...

We do bad things, mistakes in our life ... As we grow older, we became more stubborn ... Refusing so many things, choices ... Refuse to admit our fault, and sometimes we're trying to be someone who wasn't ourselves ...

It is self denial, but at some point ... We do that anyway, because deep inside ... You want to believe that you're still a good person ... That one mistake, won't make you a bad person ... Because you want to believe you're capable to change, and you won't do the same mistake ... But what if it happen again ?? What if you did it again ??

It doesn't matter what you do, doesn't matter how much you screw up ... Everybody still deserve a fair chance in everything ... Everybody deserve to be happy, everybody deserve to start a new healthy life ... No matter how bad you screwed up in the past ...

All that matter is for you to hold on to what you believe ... If you want to think that you're still a good person even if you've done a few bad things, all you have to do is believe that you still a good person ... And good person don't do bad things ...

If you're confidence enough to think that you're a good person, you should have a strong hope that you are still a good person ... And that will drives you to avoid doing bad things ...

Life is precious, too precious to waste on thinking what others are thinking about you ... But still, you have to think about things you do and what it can do to others ...

Think about that, if you can consider one thing you do today ... And the effect of your action on people around you, and other will do the same thing too ... Would it make the world a better place for us ??

Sunday, May 31, 2009

I Can't Forgive You ... Yet ...

I still couldn't find the reason to forgive my ex-bf ... We just broke up, and I know I have to forgive him ... And let all these go ... But I can't forgive him yet ... Maybe, because he don't even ask for my forgiveness ... Because he never think he did something wrong ...

I just have to let this out, can't keep it to myself ... I'm don't wish for his failure, 'Good luck in everything' ... That's the last words I said to him ... And I do wish him well ...

Somehow, as a human ... I still have to feel the hurts ... Maybe it's just my emotion talking, but I do think one day he'll know how much it hurt ... When you really want somebody, and your somebody is not even trying to want you ...

I'm doing this for myself ... As I stated in my previous post ... I have to be with someone who can appreciate me ... I won't do anything as a revenge, because it normally hurt both ways ...

I just want to let all this fade away, I just want to be happy ...

Thursday, May 7, 2009

No More Confussion ...

I've calling a few friends lately ... Trying to get their opinion, about my future ?!!? Hahah, now it sound ridiculous ... Because it's my future, why do I let somebody else decide for me ...

Anyway, in this mission of finding the answer to the question, it's not about finding the right answer ... It's about finding the right answer, that you want ... Or you like ...

It's like, no matter how hard the government try to make you see ... The ugly effects of smoking ... But you still smoke, because that is what you wanted ... Because you mind didn't really get it, or you heart just don't really like the idea of stop smoking ...

So, no matter what my friends said ... No matter how good the advice they gave, but it's me ... My mind, and my heart who will decide ... It might be clearly not an easy path, but you willing to go with it ...

My relationship is like a roller-coaster at the moment ... We broke up almost every month ... I'm half way of my 23 already, my heart just can't deal with this unsafe feeling in a relationship ... This is the thing creating the complex hesitation in this whole situation ...

Somehow, I always stay ... And he always comeback ... And I kept waiting for him to come back ... And all my friends kept telling me I should be stronger, just move on ... Every time we broke up ...

It's my heart who tell me to stay ... And it's my mind who can't accept the idea of losing him ... That the thing that always make me stay ...

Now we came to another chapter of hesitation ... I have these choices, I can go back to my home town ... Build my future, and there is something waiting for me there ...

For those who don't really know me, it's hard to find me being single ... So, when I said there is something waiting for me there ... You should understand that it came in a complete package ... Future 'Career and Happiness' ...

And there's this guy from UiTM, I met back then during my diploma ... And he showed up recently, promote himself to me ... Hahah ...

So, the thing is ... I can go out, dating this UiTM guy ... Or build my new future ... Somehow, I hesitate ... If I really want to leave, there will be no hesitation ... I'll just leave ...

When my bf was about set for a date by his family, I asked him ... 'Do you wanted to go ?!!?' ... He didn't answer that ... But now I understand ...

Does it really matter, whether he wanted to go ?!!? Because the hesitation explain all ... If you wanted to go, try your luck with somebody else ... Why hesitate in leaving what you have now ?!!?

I know what I wanted, this is what I've been fighting for since last few months ... So I will keep fighting for it ...

I did, tell him that I'm done fighting for him ... I guess I am, just that I'm done making him to want me ... It's a different thing that I'm doing now ... I'm fighting to stick to what I wanted from the beginning ... Because this is what my heart tells me ...

No more mistake, cause in your eyes I like to stay ...

Saturday, February 28, 2009

MH vs MS

Back couple months, I have to choose between my MS and MH ... If your close enough with me, you know what I'm talking about ... And you should already know how the story go ... My job here, justifying my choice + the consequences ...

I know, it's too early to talk about the consequences ... I'm in my final semester in Nottingham now, sorry my sentences sounds like an engineering report nowadays ... Hahah ...

So, upon choosing ... It's a clear choice to me ... 2 distinct definition of happiness ... MH and MS, both bring happiness in my life ... The reason I want to wake up every morning, and be a better person as day goes by ...

I found happiness, with MS when I think about the future ... I can get whatever I wanted, if I stay with MS ... He can provide the life I wanted to live, things I wanted to pamper my kids with ...

But there's a price to pay, for having what I wanted ... I won't have the attention, I expected if I stay with MS ... I have to manage my own life, while he's living his life ... Somehow, during my relationship ... I used to stay, because I know ... What's his life is all about ...

While for MH, he's my life because we share a lot of interest ... He gave me the life I've been missing ... He made me a better person in many ways ... Give me hope to have a better life ... Aiming for something more, rather than being ordinary ...

Somehow, he got his own life too ... And he's determined to keep things the way it is ... Everything should remain the same ... And again, I stay ... I will always stay ... Because I think I understand ... What's more important, more than me in his life ...

So, what's my role here ?!!? Before I go further on that, let me clear on what I had for option earlier ... It's two different kind of happiness ... I will be happy with MS, somehow I have to wait ... For how long, I can hardly say because he's unpredictable ...

It's instant happiness for me and MH, and it will grow bigger each day as our relationship is still new ... And it's difficult to predict the future as it still too early ...

No matter what I choose, it still the same ... It's still a relationship, that I have to take care of ... And put all my effort on it, be patient ... Give space, and be thankful with all I got ...

I guess that's how I sustain my relationship, I stay ... Try to understand, and trying not to complaint ... For my age, I have to stop running ... Because I can't afford to keep starting over and have a new relationship every 3 months ...

That's how my relationship with MS can last for a year ... And I'm doing the same thing now, to keep my relationship from falling apart ... And once, someone told me I'm pathetic ... Desperately have a relationship, to prove that I'm not alone ...

I'm not sure if it's true, what I know ... I'm not good being single, because I will be exposed ... To too many boys, too many uncertainties ... For some cases, I can clearly see that I'm being used ...

So, instead of having a bf ... Something real, involves my heart and somebody's heart ... ( In case of making myself look good having a bf ) ... Why can I just pretend like I'm having a bf ?!!? It's more easier that way I think, buy myself a ring ... And ware it 24-7 to show to everybody, I'm belong to someone ...

Why should I have a bf, hurt myself every now and then just to make myself look good having somebody with me ?!!? While I can just pretend that I'm in a relationship, and nobody will get hurts ...

I'm not fighting for anything, I don't want to get even ... One day, you will understand ... What this is all about, or maybe you'll never get it ... At least I know, what I'm doing ...

Well, this is me ...

I read back on a few post I published earlier ... I promised to talk less about me, hahah ... It's sounds funny now ... Because I can't !!! I can't stop talking about myself ... Hak hak ...

There's a lot of thing ... That I wanted to share, with people around me ... Things that will be better expressed through blog ... Instead of oral delivering ...

I don't have a lot of friend ... I admit ... That's how I managed to have a lot of free time, to tell the world what's going on in my life at the moment ... But I do think it's the best the way it is ...

I don't mind that I don't have a lot of friends ... I'm thankful with what I got ... Because I still have friends ... At least a few ... Because I can't manage to have a lot of friends, when I can't be a good friend to them ...

Some may say, Reysha get a life ... But this is my life ... With a few good friends that I kept around me ... Maybe I'm playing save, afraid to get hurt ... As long as I'm happy with it, so please be happy for me ... Because I'm happy for you, no matter how you choose to live your life ...

Sunday, January 25, 2009

It's been a while ...

It's all ready been a while since I posted my last post ... I've been busy ... Filling up my life with things that make me happy ... Bowling, new friends and stuff ... And I'm busy with the exam !!! Hak hak ... That's a good reason ...

No matter how busy I've been ... It's not suppose to be a reason ... I didn't write anything for last few weeks ... Because I'm not sure what I feel ... And I can't express my feelings ... It just that, I've been confused ... Choosing things, steps to be taken ... It might look simple, but it's a beginning of the future I choose ...

We always hope for something better in life, at least better than yesterday ... I do hope, this new thing I'm experiencing is better than what I had before ... Somehow, it's future ... We don't know ... And it's too early to predict ...

But I do think I've done the right thing, at least for myself ... Choose to be treated better ... Choose somebody who can appreciate me better ... And most of all, try to love myself better and put myself first before benefit somebody else ...

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