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Saturday, December 13, 2008

Forgiving to Forget ...

I went out with a friend yesterday, a good friend ... I consider him a good friend, because we're been knowing each other for years ... Even it hurt when we got into fight with each other ... But over all, he's still a good friend to me ...

So, yesterday ... When I woke up, I found a space in my heart to forgive him ... On things that he did that been hurting me ... Regardless what it is, so I decided to forgive him ... And I texted him, and then he came for a visit ... Then we went out to KLCC ...

On the way there, for the first time ever since I known him ... He admitted to me that he's in a relationship ... Because earlier in my room, he saw my picture with my bf on my laptop as I apply it as a wallpaper ...

So, it's not about the confession ... Or who's ego getting bigger here ... It just that, it was easy ... Much more easier for both of us, when I really forgive him for all those hurts with all my heart ...

I know that he took me to KLCC, trying to find camera ... Because he's going to Cameron Highland with his gf today ... Somehow, I didn't feel used ... Like I did before, and I'm not mad at him ... At all ...

Maybe it's because of my life is on the top of the world now that I'm extremely happy with my bf (I did tell my bf that I'm going to KLCC with my friend anyway) ... But I do think, the forgiveness make it a lot easier for me ... And our relation getting better now, I mean ... Better than what we had before ...

I really hope I can do this, on all those pain that have been so hurting to me ... Somehow, it's not easy ... To find a morning, when you wake up and decided to forgive a person who hurt you ... Especially when the hurt caused you a lot of damages ...

Somehow, I do think I should do this more often ... Forgive people, so I can forget all those hurt easily ... And make my life easier, make the world a better place ...

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

I'm Going to Talk Less About Me Soon ...

I've been quite emotional since the beginning, it just like ... I'm trying to spell out everything in my head ... Upon opening of my new blog ... But now I realize, I got other commitment ... My friends, my family ... Those are people around me, who know me ... Who see me personally ...

The purpose, of publishing your entire life on the net was to inspire people ... To share what you've been through, so that others can learn from it ... Somehow, as I said ... I became too emotional ... I used the net to offence people ... I write something, I purposely address it to a particular person ... While it's actually easy to just use direct communication ....

My best friend, is going through a messy break up ... Break up is hurting, at this age ... Compare to a few years before, when you're still eighteen ... I know, some of you may said 22 is still young ages ... But for girls, it's hard to start over ... And built it up again ... Especially when the relation is all ready been for years ...

I stopped hunting boys, when I reached 20'es ... It's not like I didn't fight for what I wanted ... It just that, instead of searching ... I just wait for boys to come around ... And they did, but you can't be choosy ... Maybe you won't get the best ... But you can make it, push it to your expectation ...

In other hand, you're really depending on luck ... Upon this approach ... But somehow, you have to look back on yourself ... What have you done, are you good enough ?!!? To deserve the best that you expect ?!!? You have to be thankful, of what you've got ... Then you will see, how beautiful life is ...

I really feel sorry, for my best friend ... Even though Linda (our best friend too) said, she better off the ex ... Somehow, she's deeply hurt ... Even after the break up, she's the one who left with all the blame ...

I remember when they're still together, that holiday season ... I really feel like I'm losing her ... Anyway, I only get the chance to see my best friends during holiday season ... Around May to July, because I was studying in Peninsular ...

So, that season ... I really thought I lost her, because I only got to see her once ... That was in her house, while my mum visiting her mum ... As a best friend, I try to understand ... That's she's trying her best, in her relationship ... Putting friends a side, so you have more time to spend with your boyfriend ...

In this case, the ex boyfriend hate the best friends ... With so many reasons, bad influence etc. ... So I guess, she's just trying to listen to the boyfriend ... By not doing things that the bf hates ... Somehow, things didn't go well the way she expected ...

But that's what friends was meant to be, you take a step back ... When you think it's best for your friend, as you can see their having ultimate happiness with their loved one ... It's not like you're losing your him or her ... It just that, you give them space ... For things that can make them happy ...

Somehow, if things didn't turn out so well ... Friends should be around, try to understand how much the pain ... Maybe it feels unfair, because you felt left out when they were happy ... And when they were down on things that they choose over you ... You have to be around and supportive ...

But I guess that's life ... This kind of event will make people realize the person who you really are ... And at least made them feel, there are people who still care ...

I'm going to talk less about myself soon, because I think other people needs me ... My attention ... But at second thought, it might not be possible ... Because I need to share, what I've been through ... So that I can share my opinion on the point of discussion ...

So, what I should do is ... I shouldn't get emotional and specify my post on certain person ... Because I still have a lot of important person around me ... My friends, my crazy sister ... My family, my best friends ... And other who I might not know that they really need me, just that I never know how much they need me ...

This is not a sad story, it just I just realize that there's a lot of other thing that I can do ... Rather than being emotional on certain unimportant issue that shouldn't be so hard in life ... So, chill arrr ...

Monday, November 17, 2008

What a Week, I'm Glad It's Over ...

It'd been a hard weekend for me ... Since Monday I think, this have been a long week for me ... I lost a few friends, that made me lost the person I can talk to ... And there's a few class I've skipped, even I've all ready put all my effort to be in class ...

It's frustrating for me, when I didn't manage to catch up the school bus ... So that I can attend my class on time ... It's frustrating because I'm just late by two to four minutes ... But it'll cost me an hour lecture ...

So, as friends goes by ... It's not like I don't care if they wanted to leave ... But if it's hurting for both me and him ... Why should hurt ourselves ?!!? Pretending to like each other, while it actually grows the hates bigger day by day ...

So, I was in Malacca the whole weekend ... Staying at my ex's place, who's now is my friends too ... As it done for us for almost a year now ... I was there because I have to collect my baby brother's exam result ...

So, staying at his place was hard for me ... Deep inside, I still love him ... Watching him everyday, is just like letting the love to grow back ... Just that, it's only from me ... Not from the other side, he showed that he didn't love me ... At all ...

Somehow, I found these MCs ... In his drawer, one dated on my birthday ... And the other one was on his birthday ... Maybe I'm being too emotional, as it maybe just a coincidence ... Hell yah, birthday eve's is the night for parties ... And you need MC on the next day to avoid any further problems ...

Anyway, what on earth make it a coincidence ... When he only kept the MCs for that both two important date ?!!? And, where the hell is other MCs ?!!? For a party junkie like him, he won't waste any MC that is still available ...

Somehow, he kept everything to himself ... He didn't mention anything about us, all that he did all the weekend was ... Ignoring me ... But I think I understand why ...

He's trying to be a good friend to me ... I'm in a relationship right now ... A really good one, and he don't wanted to ruin it ... So, he kept everything to himself ...

He's in pain too, I can see he's not being well ... Emotionally ... There's this girl, I can see that he loved her so much ... Somehow, she left ... Just like he left me one year earlier ...

He's in pain now, just that he didn't tell the world how much it hurts ... But I can see it, the most I can do ... Pretend like I don't know a thing, and give him his own space ...

Lets not care about him so much, it just that ... It made me think, about friends around me ... Friends who seems to care really much, but still do so much things to hurt me ... Still trying his best to ruin my relationship ...

I made a promise to Muiz, that I'll go to Pavilion ... With him, for the first time ... My friend was aware of that ... Somehow, he still creating reasons to drives us there ...

Whatever it is, I'm glad the weekend is over ... And everything happened I consider passed ... Muiz, is my present and future now ... I'm not going to take any step, to ruin my relationship ...

In this situation, I'm not even going to put my ex as a choice ... Because I won't choose ... And Muiz is the only person that I should care about, without considering others ...

I know it sound selfish, for me to put away my friends ... For my love life ... But I do think friends should understand, how important my relationship is ...

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

This is for My Pep's Who Just Lost Somebody ...

Two closest person of mine, just gone thru' a break up lately ... But as I met them, I didn't feel the pain ... I'm impressed, by their strength ... Facing all the pain ...

I almost gone crazy when I got into my last break up ... I can simply cry, for no reason ... On the public bus, while watching movie ... Anywhere, I just cry ...

It took me almost a year, to realize that I'm actually fine ... And within that period, that's a lot of damages ... That is hard for me to fix it now ...

Somehow, these strong ladies ... Really amazed me ... I always feels like I've been thru' a great fall, somehow ... This girls' story is even complicated compared to mine ... The challenge their going thru', are much greater than what I've been thru' ...

I know how it hurt, it's about heart ... You can tell yourself, to stop thinking ... But as your heart beat, it didn't simply let it go ...

Whenever I'm down, I'll remind myself ... That you had me, myself ... I'm the one, who love myself the most ... Above everybody else ...

In case you guys forgot this, I just wanted to say that ... I'm always here for you ... I lurve you guys ...

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

My Sweet Silly Lurve Story ...

The first time we met, he took me for lunch at Ujong Pasir ... One of the food sensation in Malacca, for Beriani Kambing ... Before we arrived, we had this chat about my rejected bf to be- a banquet captain of one of Malacca's top hotels ... As we're walking from the parking space, he reached out his hand towards me ... And said, "Meh, I bagi you tumpang bermanje" ...

I just realize that I have to include the F&B captain's story in this chapter, to make it easy for you guys to understand ... Owh, I hate to do that !!!

Two Weeks Earlier- I just had my killing break up with my 8th ex ... I consider it's killing because I was left in Malacca, the place that I shouldn't be as you know I was studying in Kajang ... So I was left there, with an unfurnished room ... No transportation to go out to have meal or buy my food stock, except for the public transport that require 5-10 minutes walk to reach the pick-up point ... And nothing but trouble to people around me ...

A Week After the Two Weeks Earlier- I was working like mad ... Because this is the only way ... That can avoid me from staying home, and cry ... I work all thru the weekend ... I even work on eve's of new year ... Because it's the only chance of happiness for me at the moment ... As working is the place where I met the F&B captain I mention earlier ... Hmm ...

So on that pathetic new year's eve ... A former friend of mine should be picking me up, after work around midnight ... But she didn't, because she's busy ... Partying with my ex boyfriend ... I guess it explains all, why I addressed her as 'former friend' ...

So, that's how it goes ... I end up mourning over my break up, dragged to the next week ... I should been studying at that moment, as my final exam was just around the corner ... But I didn't ... Because I was too busy, crying ...

Before the week ended, I decided to move temporarily to the F&B captain's house ... As I can do nothing but crying alone in my room ... So I packed my things, approximately for a weeks stay ... I brought pillows too, just to make me feel like home ... And departed to the house, that actually is also the F&B boss's house ... And occupied by other mixed of full-time and part-time F&B's staffs ...

We've been seing each other for quite sometime actually, about a month I think ... Since I started working at the hotel ... We go out for bowling, dinner on his off day ... And supper, before my boyfriend came to pick me up ... Heheh, now I realize I was cheating on my ex !!! Hak hak ... But the sweet part of this guy is, he called me 'B' ... It wasn't that big huh ?!!? Hak hak ...

So upon my arrival, we had pillow talk before bed ... Then he gave me another killing moment when he said, "Encik %! rase la ... B gaduh dengan budak-budak pempuan kat hotel tu, sebab dulu gefren Encik *# penah datang office (the hotel's banquet office) ... Duh, what the he~! was I'm doing back then ...

We (me and my sister) had a fight actually on that new year's eve at the hotel, it's silly to mention ... Because it's school leavers issue ... Gosh, I'm old all ready !!!

That was the first time he ever mentioned about his girlfriend, after all the while we spent time together ... And thank him, for completing my two consequent weeks of misery as a whole ...

So on the next day, it's Thursday ... I'm sure because I remember the date so well ... I got this call, from Encik Kobak ... I all ready set his name that time, because he had been calling a few times before that ... So, he's asking me out ... For lunch ... Then you go back to the first paragraph, hak hak ...

I had exam actually, on the next day ... But I still can't study ... I was pathetic huh, I do think things wasn't so bad after all ... It just me that take things too emotionally ... Being too emotional upon the break up that leads me to rushing into a new relationship, being too emotional when I know I was cheated by my new possible boyfriend and went out for lunch with another guy that pick me up in front of his house ...

But anyhow, it leads me to my new relationship ... We went to a friend's place after the lunch, that after a few months had been my house eventually ... And we're suppose to have a kids by then ... Hak hak ...

He send me back home afterwards, to the F&B captain's house ... Somehow, before midnight ... He came pick me up again ... That was the last time, I ever been there ...

We went for supper before we go back to that house again (the friend's place that was my house eventually) ... Then he reach out his hand towards me again, so that we're holding hands ... While walking for a few meters before we reach the table (sape yang nak manje dengan sape nie, hak hak) ...

The next day, I got exam in the morning ... So he send me to the bus station, at 4am in the morning ... And there goes a new chapter of my life ... I failed that paper I did on that day actually, that leads me to a new chapter also !!! Hak hak ...

So, for all this trouble of remembering every single moment passed ... It reminds me, how amazing my bf is ... You can see how terrible my life was during the two weeks ... Somehow, he still there ... Lending his hands to me, when I really need somebody to be the shoulder to cry on ...

Regardless the number of boys (it's weird to call them boys, they were old enough to be a men) I've been with ... He still came and pick me up on that night, to make sure I didn't do any other stupid thing ...

Even he know all my story, he still do his part ... In making things right for me, and for us ... Being responsible, for things that might not be his ... Just because I say so, and he trusted me ...

At some point, I felt really mad when he didn't get back home ... Or when he get back home and get mad at me over a lipstick stain that wasn't mine ... And when I found his text to my former friend ... Saying that I'm the only one who's feeling it's happening ...

But I'll wait until I can be calm, and think on my steady mind ... For all these time, the reason that I'm staying ... Is because he's the one, who came and look for me ... Now it's even more clearer, to me to understand him better ...

For what I am, he never complaint ... He just say, stop drinking ... And he stopped buying me cigarettes to control my smoking ... Of course, he said ... "Kite kawan jek ramai-ramai, nanti kalau nak kawen ... Pilih yang mane sesuai" ... But why should he get mad if I went out for dinner with some other guy, when we're just friend ... Why did he bring me to see his parents for lunch, when I was just a friend ...

I never share this with other, people that know me ... And my boyfriend ... I only share this with my close friend ... So what if his friends think I'm just a girl he kept outside the house, so what if my former friend think I got nothing but my feelings ... I know where I stand ... And yet, we've been together for almost 10months all ready ... Huh, my longest relationship in 4years !!!

There's more actually, sweet things ... Done arrogantly between us ... Somehow, I found that charming ... Hak hak ... Yah, he can take that sweet term, I'm fine with silly ... Hak hak ... This is just the part when we met ... I need to analyzed all the other parts, to find the beauty of my relationship ...

After all, my life wasn't so bad all thru this years ... With my close friends, families and boyfriend that always stay by my side ... It just me, that didn't wanted to move on ... Keep on remembering the hurt, that suppose not to be that hurting ...

P/s:Encik Kobak = Encik Muiz = my devoted love to death, hak hak ...

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

My 1st KeriaE ...




Look nice, tapi xsedap ... Mak dah pesan dah, jgn bubuh tepung bnyk2 ... Tu lah, lain kali orang cakap dengar ... Budget dah terrer sangat ah tue ...

Lepas sire gula dah malas nak ambek gambar, sebab jadik sangat huduh ... Hak hak ...

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

My Class Got Cancelled ...

Everything started in place this morning, I manage to catch up the morning bus ... I bought cold milo for my breakfast, then I head to class ... On the way at on the walking path, there's Mr. Goh- my pavement engineering lecturer walking to his class with another year students ... We (we because I met my classmate somewhere in this few minutes) greet him, then he said ... 'I heard you class got cancelled' ...
Damn, it's the 9am morning class ... How frustrating it is, to wake up and put so much effort to go to class ... And then you know it was cancelled at the last minutes ... I'm speaking for the rest actually, because I'm quite a morning person ... Waking up early morning, is not that much for me ...
So, lets continue about the cancelled class ... Actually, this is the 2hours class ... Out of 3hours per week of my hydraulics, I missed the one hour's class yesterday ... So, there things that I missed ... We complaint about the lecturer to the school office last week, so yesterday while I'm not around ... The head of the school was there in the class, observing the teaching process ...
What happened is that, the student ask the lecturer a lot of questions ... And poor for her, she couldn't manage to answer ... I'm not there, so I don't know how to elaborate how things really go back then ...
My hydraulics lecturer, she's new here ... I think she still trying to adapt the style and system practiced here in Nottingham ... Fyi, the classes here never been cancelled ... On lecturer's needs, it will only get cancelled ... If the student asked to ... Lets say, if one of our lecturer got something to attend during the class session ... We'll receive notice, at least 2weeks early ... Normally, from the first week of class ... We all ready know when the class will be cancelled or postponed ...
I felt sorry for the lecturer, I do think she still trying to get used to the environment here ... But things didn't work that way in Nottingham ... You have to be ready to be here, the things here won't get together by nature for you ...
It just like what happened to me during my second year ... I'm not ready to be here, I'm not capable of paying the fees ... I don't have proper place to stay that make things easy for me to attend my classes ... I don't have any other transport to go to school as a back up if I'm late ... But it just not the reason that I failed my second year ...
I failed, because there's not enough effort ... Not enough effort to come to class, not enough effort to study for the exams ... Not enough effort on the resit exams ... I did, sacrifice a few things in my life for my study ... I don't go watch movies, I left my party life .... But it just not enough ...
I'm the only Malay student in my class now ... I did, failed my family and my Malay reputation by not getting an honoured degree from Nottingham ... I wanted to fix it, but I think it's too late all ready ... Maybe I could, but it takes time ... Maybe a few years, when I'm doing Msc. or Phd. ... Or maybe, somebody else can fix that for me ... My younger brothers maybe, who knows ...

Monday, October 13, 2008

Welcoming Note

I was cracking my head just now, trying to remember every single stupid things I've done back in couples few months ... To be my first ever post on my blog ... I'm not even half way, then I realize ... What on earth was wrong wif me ?!!? Why should I get into so many troubles, remembering stupid things ... And stupid acts I've done since last year ...
It's a fresh start, it should be something exhilarating ... Inspiring and maybe helpful in any kind of way ... Not depressing as a funeral ... So lets celebrate it !!!
I just got my new laptop yesterday ... So, I've registered the blog yesterday ... And now I'm still figuring out what I should do here ... Excitedly trying to be a blogger, I missed my class this morning !!! Aduh ... I really have to work on my study ... I've all ready ruin this entire year of my life ...




I'm trying to work on extra job too, just can't figure out what I should do yet ... I'm really gud in making spagetti bolognese ... But I lurve cupcakes !!! I'm still bad in decorating it ... And I still couldn't find the best recipe for my chocolate flavour cupcakes ... I got one good recipe of vanilla cupcakes ... Maybe I can share it sooner ...
So, there it goes ... I'm myself still wondering what's my blog will lead to later, I guess this is all about it now ... And can't wait to see how it develop !!!


Cheers !!!

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