Relationship in My Shoes

Gambar nak market, xbole blah ... Hahah ...

I'm such a loser in relationship, but I love to talk about it ... I guess, I just want people to understand ... My opinion, & the reason behind every move I made in my relationship ...

There's a few opinion, about me when I'm in a relationship ... & currently, I receive tonnes of advises ... Either about to hang on there, or move on ... From people I respected, you should know ... That I'm one hell of a stone headed, I didn't really took advice from people ... Normally only from those who really impress me, & it's not easy to impress me ...

So, 2 of good friends of mine ... One is married, & another one getting married in few weeks time ... So, they're people I respected ... People I admire, who inspire me in so many ways ... & a few other colleagues who mostly are older than me ...

So here are some comments, that got stuck in my head ... Upon my recent relationship ...

Opinion A1: Your action didn't look like you meant those things you said ...

Opinion A2: When you started a relationship, you gave in 120% ... But when something went wrong, you just gave up ...

Case of Study: Mase mule2 dating, memang lovey dovey la ... Pastu after a few months, when he touches my hair ... I said, "I feel retarded" ...

Defense: Hahah, malas nak defense !!! Guilty as charge !!!

The Truth is: Sometimes, there's a few things that I can't forget ... Like a mistake he made, that remains in my mind ... Because we left things unsaid ... So instead of solving the problem, I just ignore it ... At some point my heart jadi tepu, lali dgn segale mistakes ... Nanti I elaborate more on Opinion C.

Opinion B: When you said, you prefer shoes that look good ... & don't mind to suffer, wearing a size smaller ... That's reflect who you are in your relationship, you'll bare the pain to look good ...

Case of Study: I just stay, sampai kene dump ...

Defense: Xreti nak defense ...

The Truth is: I guess, I'm so afraid of being alone ... I just stay as far as I can, & put my future in other people's hand ...

Opinion C: You kept everything to yourself, bare all the pain ... Until you find a mistake, & use all the other mistakes as a weapon ...

Case of Study: Bape kali dah my ex tu xjawap phone, a few times jugak la jadik mcm tu ... To that extend I said, "When I asked, you'll said - Smalam balik keje lambat, pastu sampai rumah terus tido ... So I malas nak tanye, because I know the answer" ...

Defense: It look like I didn't care is it ?? I just don't want to be the crazy girlfriend ...

The Truth is: Sometimes I do feel bad, for not trusting my bf ... I shouldn't hav any doubts, I should trust my bf unconditionally ... Sometimes I malas nak tanye, sebab I know the answers will hurt me ... So I left things unsaid ...

But there's a limit la, xbole jugak percaye membute tuli sampai being foolish kan ... I think, women memang ade that instinct ... You just know, when things started to go wrong ... It's up to you to admit it, & translate that instinct into action ...

Opinion D1: Mokcik, dah ade bf molek ni ... Mu jangan buat hal pulak ...

Opinion D2: You don't mind your partner making mistakes, because you're doing the same mistake ...

Case of Study: Aku mengamuk my ex pegi clubbing dgn his ex, I said - "I nak kluar dgn lelaki ensem, I wanna hurt you" ...

Defense: I think I'm being loyal enough, I think telling my bf about going out with another guy is not cheating ...

The Truth is: I should never let it happened, I shouldn't be seeing another guy ... When I declared myself in a relationship ... Maybe sebab I'm open, I clearly feel nothing for the another guy ... So I declare it as 'professional' hangouts, but deep down ... I know those guys are hitting on me, & I kept letting them in ...

When there's a problem in my relationship, normally I don't give up just like that ... Biase nye saye akan bnyk b'sabar, & memberi peluang ... & kebiasaan nye, peluang2 tersebut akan d taken for granted ... Again, & over again ... Sebab it seems like I don't care ...

Normally when I started a relationship, I'll forget everything about his past ... No matter how terrible he'd been ... As long as, you didn't repeat the same mistake ... These leads me to the next session of Pn. Wani's motivasi ... Appreciating yourself ...

~ Love yourself, before you love someone else ...

~ Don't hurt yourself, for a person who mean nothing ...

But I can't, love myself too much ... Before I love someone else, that's the reason why my friends love me ... Because I really, prioritized others ... Before my needs ... I feel selfish, making other people miserable for myself ...

Mcm bile I went back to Kerteh, arrival around 4am in the morning ... & t'tinggal kunci kat Bangi, I didn't rang my housemate ... I took the trouble mengait kunci spare dari celahan grill pakai penyapu ... Nasib baik ade penyapu, kalau xmemang saye akan tunggu die kluar pegi keje baru masuk rumah ...

Maybe, it look like even I don't appreciate myself for letting myself being used ... But that's who I am, it's too bad for those who can't see that ... & taking me for granted for my kindness ...

I'm not going to change, go against my principle ... All I can promise, is to be more careful ... Make sure I won't get hurt again in future ... Because so far, being kind still do me justice ... I got invited again & again to parties, & have amazing people around me every now & then ...

Sorry this post jadi mcm nak menghentam my ex, but that's the most recent ... The easiest example ... & I got my ears menanah from Subang <---> Kepong, kene ceramah dgn Pn. Wani pasal ni ... I'm almost there, reaching serenity to forgive him ...

Esok dah thursday, jom balik !!! Muahxxx !!!